


You Know What It's Like?

by Babereflective



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Sirius Black, Coming Out, Confessions, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Kisses, Gay Remus Lupin, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Hugs, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Kissing, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love Confessions, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23241193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babereflective/pseuds/Babereflective
Summary: Remus Lupin is gay, and he's tired of lying. He decides to tell Sirius first. Spoiler: there may or may not be a forehead kiss involved.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy quarantine guys. I've never written a wolfstar fic but I've consumed many so I think I can do these idiots justice. I would like to maybe add a chapter later or perhaps make this the first story in a series, so if you like this and want more let me know ! Enjoy ! 💗😌 (Also I wrote this at midnight and didn't spell check so sorry for any mistakes)

Remus had always been a little scared at the idea of coming out. In this case, ‘a little scared’ can essentially translate to ‘extremely terrified’. The prospect of being that vulnerable to the person you’re confessing to had always been extremely nerve wracking for him, and he had essentially told himself that he would never come out to his friends or family since the time he realized he was gay. However, people change, and soon Remus couldn’t stand lying anymore. 

Sure, he had lied about lots of things in the past. He had lied about his furry little problem for essentially all of his life, sure, but that didn’t mean it was easy. Somehow, being gay was different from that. It was an entirely new territory for him. Granted, he could live out the rest of his life telling no one, but honestly, being a werewolf was hard enough to hide, he didn’t need to add on to the weight already sitting on his chest.

Still, he was terrified. He was afraid of rejection. He was especially frightened about the electricity building in his chest everytime Sirius stepped into the room, however, that would have to wait until another day. Part of him just wished that his friends already knew so that they could all have a laugh and move on about their business, but it was never going to be that easy. Nothing with Remus was ever easy.

But one day, after several weeks of playing out the conversation in his head, he felt he was ready, or at least, as ready as he would ever be. He wanted to rip off the band aid and tell James, Peter and Sirius all at once, so after an hour of fidgeting in the library, he made way for their dorm room, walking slower than his usual pace, trying to stall. As he walked up the steps leading to their room, he paused at the door. 

He felt his breathing picking up pace, betraying him and his thoughts. He took several deep breaths, however, and opened the door. Expecting to see all 3 of his friends, he was disappointed to see only Sirius, on his bed, and reading a book. What a strange and unusual sight.

“Oh, Moony, thank heavens you’re here! This bloody book is driving me batty!” He said, throwing the book haphazardly to the side of him and sitting up.

“Uh, where’s James and Petter?” he asked, glancing around the room before stepping inside slowly. He noted that electricity returning to his chest, serving as a reminder for why he’s here.

“Oh, those traitors,” Sirius replied, scoffing. “They’re out somewhere having fun without me, probably playing pranks on Slytherins or some rubbish.”

“So then,” Remus paused, confused. “Why are you here?”

“Oh, yeah, because they said I couldn’t come until I had finished my transfigurations homework, so I’ve been here for two hours trying to make sense of this stupid book so I can write a stupid paper for stupid transfigurations class. Do you think you could help me out?” he asked with a pleading look upon his face that didn’t help Remus’ situation.

The thing was, Remus had been trying to ignore that feeling in his chest everytime Sirius came around. He used to think he was jealous of Sirius, with his perfect hair and perfect face structure and the way he could make any girl fall in love with him with just a wink. But over time, Remus realized that he wasn’t jealous of Sirius. He didn’t want to be him, he wanted to be with him. And that thought may have been scarier than when He, James and Peter had confronted him because they had cracked the case of his furry little problem. It was the first time he realized he could be gay, and worse, could be in love with his best friend.

“But,” Remus stopped, trying to piece everything together. “But Sirius, we don’t even have transfigurations homework tonight.” He said, walking over to Sirius’ bed to get a better look at the homework he was referring to.

“Nah, but this was due a couple of days ago and uh, I guess I never did it.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck and shifting in his spot on the bed.

Remus gave out a soft laugh of disapproval, but really, what else did he expect from Sirius?

“Well, I’m not doing your homework for you, Black,” Remus joked, however, if Sirius had pleaded enough, Remus knew he would have probably broken down anyways and done it for him.

“I don’t need you to do my homework, Lupin, I’m just asking for a little guidance.” Once again, he looked up at Remus with those pleading eyes of his, and Remus sighed.

“Page 256 should give you a nudge in the right direction.” 

“Thank you Moony.” He said with a sincere smile that made Remus roll his eyes and walk over to his own bed and plop down. Sirius took notice.

“Something wrong, mate?” he said, again putting his book to his side, face down as to not forget the page number Moony had just given him.

“It’s nothing.” he replied, brushing the question off. “Do you have any idea when James and Peter might be back?” He asked

“Oh, I see, am I not good enough company for you?” Sirius joked.

“No, no, it’s not that Sirius, it’s just,” he sat up. “Just needed to talk with the three of you, and I’d like to do it all at once.”

“Don’t tell me you’re a vampire on top of being a werewolf too, Moony!” Sirius continued to joke, a smile growing on his face.

Remus sighed. It seemed like that’s all he knew how to do right now.

“No, it’s not that, Sirius” he replied, not playing along with Sirius’ joke. That made Sirius lose his playfulness, and he adopted concern instead.

“I’m sorry mate, I shouldn’t joke around like that. I’m sorry.” His said, eyes darting to the floor, but then back up at Remus. “You aren’t in trouble or anything, right?”

“No, I’m fine Pads,” he replied, and laid back down on his bed. Then he had a moment of thought. Maybe he could tell Sirius separately and tell the others later. He wasn’t sure if that was less scary than telling them all at once, but Sirius was there, and Remus felt, at least a little, safe around him. He was conflicted, but he took a leap of faith.

“Hey, pads?”

“Yeah Moons?”

“Maybe I could just tell you now…and James and Peter could know later?” Remus rubbed his arm.

“Anything you want, Moony.”

Remus sat up, once again. He looked over at Sirius, who was sitting on his bed with his legs crossed and his hands in his lap, concerned for Remus. Remus’ eyes darted to his own hands in his lap, which were playing with his own shirt absentmindedly.

“Well,” He paused, thinking how in the heavens he was supposed to begin a conversation like this. “You see…”

“Take your time, Moons,” Sirius said, trying to support his friend from across the room.

“Thank you Pads.” 

For a moment more, both boys sat silently. Remus couldn’t find a good way to say it, but he tried his best.

“We both know that I’ve never had a girlfriend,” he began, looking up to see Sirius give a quick nod. 

“Well, the thing is, it’s because I’ve never really wanted a girlfriend,” he continued.

“And I think I’ve finally found out why.” he drew those last words out slower than the rest. Sirius was still wearing the same expression as before. Concern, mixed with understanding and patience. Remus turned his head away, and he began feeling the distinct pain of when you know you’re about the cry. His head started to ache faintly, he felt tears prick at his eyes, and before he even knew it, those tears began falling, and he was left catching his breath.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, tears falling faster and faster with each word. He didn’t know why he was crying. In all the times he planned out telling his friends he was gay, he never imagined he’d cry about it. He had only cried in front of Sirius one other time, after an especially bad full moon. He hadn’t meant to, but everything had been so much, and Sirius had been there to wrap a strong pair of arms around him and comfort him in his time of need. 

Now, he found those same, strong arms wrapping around him, and he looked up to see Sirius’ comforting face looking at him. He felt a hand stroking his hair, and noted how mother-like Sirius was being in the moment. 

“Shhh” he said, as if calming a horse. Remus continued to cry, sob even, and he couldn’t seem to stop it, no matter hard he tried. Sirius was his best friend, but he felt a little embarrassed being this open and vulnerable even still. He wiped his nose and his eyes.

“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean for you to see me like this, this shouldn’t be this big of a deal.” He tried to talk over his own hyperventilating.

“Moons, don’t apologize. You’re one of my closest friends, you can tell me anything,” he continued stroking his head, attempting to calm him down. “We’re together until the end, remember? Whatever you need to say is obviously important to you, but don’t feel pressured to tell me right now if you’re not ready.”

Remus knew Sirius was a kind person, but his kindness showed through in times like these, when Remus remembered just why they were best friends and why he looked up to him so much. Why he loved him.

“Pads?”

“Yeah, Moony?”

“I’m,” Remus bit his lip. “I’m gay, Pads” he felt his tears threaten to spill once again, and this time he allowed them to. He let out another broken sob.

For a little while, Sirius didn’t respond, he just shushed him again and kept rubbing circles on Remus’ back, resting the side of his own head against his. The silence began to worry Remus, but at least his tears were beginning to subside.

“Pads?” he asked again

“Yeah Moons?”

“Is..are you okay with it?”

Sirius lifted up his head and looked Remus in his eyes, concern once more flooding his face.

“With you being gay?” Remus nodded his head, an unsure shyness taking over, tears still falling, and he bit his lip again.

“Of course I’m ok with it, Moony. I’d love you no matter what.” he said, following it up with a reassuring smile which made Remus feel a fluttering in his stomach. He tried to ignore the way Sirius’ voice raised just a little on the word love.

“Thank you, Pads,” He said, wiping his eyes again to remove the wetness on his face from events that had just unfolded. 

“There’s nothing to thank me for, Moony.”

“But there is though,” Remus followed. “It’s hard enough being someone with my condition, and it’s especially hard when you add queer to my long list of defects-”

“Never talk about yourself like that, Remus.” Sirius insisted sternly. This time, Sirius placed both hands on either side of Remus’ head, forcing them to lock eyes.

“You don’t have a long list of defects. You don’t even have one. I know how hard it is to be queer, especially when you have to hide yourself from the rest of the world, even your closest friends, but you are not broken. Me and James and Peter will all still love you, regardless if you’re gay or straight or even bloody bisexual or couldn’t give a damn about what you are.”

Sirius’ hands were still holding Remus’ face, and it was starting to make him feel dizzy. And he certainly didn’t miss the moment Sirius told him he knew what it was like to be gay.

“You,” Remus began, looking straight into the dark haired boy’s eyes. “You know what it’s like to be queer?” he asked

He noticed the way Sirius scanned Remus’ entire face before looking at the ground and then back up again.

“Yes, I do.”

And before Remus could say anything more, Sirius leaned forward, pressing his lips against the other boy’s forehead for a moment, perhaps two moments, before leaning back again to admire his face. 

The gesture was so ethereal that Remus wasn’t sure it happened at all. After another beat of silence, Sirius pulled Remus into a tight hug, holding one hand to the back of his head, and the other around his back. Remus felt as if he could spend the rest of his life right here, but after maybe 10 seconds, Sirius pulled away

“I love you, Remus.” he finally said, with a more serious note than Remus had expected from him. Whatever kind of love Sirius meant, Remus’ heart jumped at those words.

“I love you too, Pads.” he returned, a smile approaching his face, blotchy from tears, but glowing with relief.


	2. Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sirius had told Remus that he knows what it's like to be queer, Remus asks for clarification, and they both make some confessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with chapter 2! I figured since I have a lot of time on my hands I can just start a whole story so I'm expecting to write several more chapters in the future. If you're interested in keeping up with this story, feel free to bookmark !! You guys know the drill: I didn't spell check this so go easy 🥺👉👈 enjoy! :)

After the events of Remus coming out to Sirius, he figured that he would wait to tell James and Peter another day. He didn’t know if he could handle that much emotional stress in one day, so after telling Sirius, and after he went back to his own bed, Remus wiped away his remaining tears and picked up one of his favorite books, one he knew would calm him down and settle his nerves.

If Remus was being honest, he wasn’t expecting things to go back to normal as quickly as they did. Both boys went about their business, and surprisingly enough to Remus, Sirius didn’t say another word about it for the following days. He wasn’t sure if that was a blessing or a curse, but he tried to push the thought aside.

One thought he couldn’t push aside, however, was the certain confession that Sirius had revealed during their conversation. Remus played his words over and over again through his mind, to the point where he wasn’t sure if he was looking too far into things or not. Was he remembering the part, when Sirius said he knew what it was like to be queer, wrong? Was it a misunderstanding? It was so nonchalant, so simple, that Remus could only hope in his mind that he was right and Sirius meant what he said.

But either way, he tried to let it go. He tried not to think about it every time Sirius came into the room smiling, or every time Sirius said Remus’ name, and especially when Sirius would wink at a girl staring him down in the halls. He had to remind himself that just because Sirius may have been queer, it didn’t mean that he was his. Remus had to remind himself that he didn’t have a chance.

And yet, he thought back to the way Sirius had told him he loved him. It could have been a friendly gesture, but even still. Would he have said it like that to James? Or to Peter? Something about it seemed far more intimate than just a reassurance to a friend. Remus shivered.

He had spent half of his day with Lily. He had found that they were very alike in more ways than one, and they began spending time together in the common room or in the library. Remus knew that James was head over heels for her, hell, everyone did, and it drove him crazy that Remus had more time with her than he did. Remus did happen to know, however, that a certain redhead was beginning to quite like him, but James would have to figure that out himself.

The rest of the day he intended to spend doing classwork and writing the beginnings of a 5 page essay that was due the following week. At 7:00 pm, he resigned himself to his dorm and began working. He had the room to himself, as James was spending whatever free time he had chasing Lily around, and Peter was surely with his 5th year hufflepuff girlfriend which he had only been dating for 2 weeks. As he was about to set his quill to the parchment layed out in front of him, Sirius came in through the door.

“Oh, hey Moony,” he said with a smile, walking into the room.

“Hey Pads. What are you doing in here so early?” he asked. They both knew Sirius was going to wait until last minute to do his homework, so there weren’t too many reasons for him to be in the dorm at 7 in the evening, especially on a Saturday.

“Oh, I just wanted to pop up for a quick shower. Some 7th years down in the common room want to play some party games in about an hour, so I figured I would get cleaned up a little beforehand. Someone is going to smuggle in some firewhiskey, and James and Lily and Peter are going to be there, if you wanted to come.”

Remus had been hoping that Sirius might stay with him in their dorm, but he wasn’t sure why, exactly. He had homework to do, and Sirius deserved to have fun (as if he didn’t already have enough fun on a daily basis). Still, he wasn’t going to do anything to stop him.

“Ah, alright. I’ve got some homework to do, so I think I’ll pass on this one. Thanks anyways.” The truth was that Remus did want to go, especially if he could be around Sirius, but big gatherings like the one Sirius was inviting him to made him anxious, and alcohol made him do things he usually always regretted. As he looked away from Sirius, he didn’t see the slight hint of disappointment that crossed the other boy’s face

“Well, alright then. Have fun with that. I’ll be in the shower, I suppose.”

Remus muttered a sound of acknowledgement and Sirius stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. Distracted, and slightly disappointed himself, he layed back on his bed and closed his eyes, letting out a sigh.

‘Way to be a buzzkill, Lupin’ he thought to himself. He layed like that for a few minutes, letting his thoughts take over and not getting any work done. After another short while, perhaps 15 minutes later, Sirius stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and a brush in his hand, combing out his wet hair. 

Even though this was a common occurrence for Sirius, as well as James and Peter, Remus tried not to look too long at any of them when they came out of the shower, only wearing towels around their waists. Maybe it made him feel wrong. He felt like if any of his friends knew he was gay, they would suddenly start bringing their clothes into the bathroom with them when they showered, not daring to let Remus see them unclothed for fear his imagination would run wild.

But Sirius knew he was gay, and that didn’t change anything, he wasn’t afraid of Remus. It gave him a glimmer of hope, but he still turned his head away.

After Sirius had changed into a new pair of clothes, he sat on his bed brushing out the tangles in his hair. Remus tried to work on his homework, but at that point he couldn’t focus enough to get anything done, so he stared at a book, hoping to avoid any awkward moment between the two. 

Even though Sirius had been accepting of Remus, it didn’t mean that Remus didn’t still feel slightly uncomfortable about the whole situation. Sirius knew now. He knew a secret about Remus that nobody else knew. He thought again about that confession Sirius had made, and in a moment of rash judgement, he decided to say something.

“Sirius,” he began, looking up from his work and up to Sirius, who was still running a brush through his hair.

“Yeah Moony?” 

“Can I ask you something personal?” he said with audible nervousness in his voice

With that, Sirius’ face gained a more serious tone, and he stopped brushing his hair. Remus knew that Sirius probably had some idea of what topic Remus was going to ask about, considering that he had come out only last week, and that was the last time that Remus had begun the conversation on such a sincere note.

“You can ask me anything.” He said, nodding his head and looking straight at Remus. Remus suddenly regretted saying anything to begin with.

“Well, you know how last week I,” He didn’t want to say it head on. “I told you...what I told you.”

Sirius nodded his head, eyebrows pushing together, displaying his concern once more,

“ And you know how you said you knew...what it was like?”

Suddenly, Sirius looked down at the ground, showing just a touch of self consciousness that Remus wasn’t used to seeing in him. He wondered for a moment if he was going too far.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, we don’t have to talk about it-”

“No, It’s ok,” he said, looking down at his feet before looking up at Remus again. “I wanted to tell you sooner, I should have…”

Remus watched as the other boy grappled with whatever it was he was trying to say. Remus never saw Sirius this flustered, just as Sirius never saw Remus so distraught as when he came out, or after that especially bad full moon. He guessed that they both needed to be more open to each other.

“I’m bisexual, Remus. I’ve wanted to tell you for such a long time, but I’ve always been too…” He paused, looking for the right word to finish the statement. “Scared.”

Remus never thought he’d see the day when Sirius admitted to being scared of anything, but the day had arrived. He wanted to go over and comfort him, just as he had done to him, but he held back.

“It’s ok, Sirius, you don’t have to be scared anymore. It would be a little bit hypocritical for a poof to not accept his own bloody best friend because he’s bisexual, now wouldn’t it.” Remus tried to give a small laugh, to lighten the mood between them. Sirius smiled.

“I suppose it would be. It’s not just that though. I’m scared of what it might change. Not everyone is as kind as you, Moony.”

This time, Remus didn’t hold himself back, and he walked over to Sirius’ bed and sat down, but he refrained from saying anything for a few seconds. They both sat in silence, sitting admittedly too close to one another, before Remus spoke up again.

“Does anyone else know?”

“James and Peter know. And Lily.” Sirius looked away from Remus again.

Remus had to admit that it hurt just a little, knowing that he was the last of his friends to know.

“Oh.” He was trying not to sound too disappointed, afterall, he didn’t want to make Sirius guilty, on top of already being insecure, but he couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry Remus, I didn’t mean to hide it, It was just-”

“No, Sirius, It’s alright, really. I understand.”

There was another beat of silence.

“I didn’t tell you because,” Sirius turned his head sideways to where Remus could only see the back of it, and then back down at his hands, saying the next part quietly. “Because I always fancied you.”

Their eyes met each other’s.

“And I was afraid that if you knew, you would hate me, and then I wouldn’t have a chance.”

Remus was dumbfounded. Whatever he thought Sirius was about to say, it wasn’t that. He felt his stomach drop at the same time he felt butterflies fluttering about.

“Sirius…” 

“I’m sorry Remus, I’m so sorry. I know you don’t feel the same way but-”

“Sirius, you bloody idiot,” he said, cutting him off and taking Sirius by surprise. “I’ve fancied you since year 2.” he said with a certain softness that Sirius hadn’t heard from Remus for a long time

After neither of them said anything to follow, Remus’ face shifted into a smile, and Sirius followed suit. They both let a small laugh escape their lips at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Sirius shifted his body on the bed so they could face each other properly.

“Moons?”

“Yeah, Padfoot?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Remus smiled once more and bit his lip.

“I’d be honored.”

With those 3 words, Sirius slowly put his hands on either side of Remus’ face, much like he had a week ago. But instead of pressing his lips to the boy’s forehead, he captured both of their lips in a kiss. It was slow, and represented years of mutual adoration that neither of them had had the nerve to address. 

Remus raised his hand to tangle it in Sirius’ hair, something he had always wanted to do but had never gotten the chance to. He had never wanted something as badly as he wanted this, and with every second, more and more fireworks were exploding inside of Remus’ head. He questioned why he never came out to him sooner, if this is what he got in return.

Eventually they split apart to catch their breaths, and they rested forehead to forehead against each other.

“We should have done that a long time ago,” Sirius said, short of breath

Remus replied, “I can’t believe it took this long.”

They both fell backwards on the bed, laying shoulder to shoulder on their backs, and Remus found Sirius’ hand and clasped in in his own. After a moment, and after the dizziness they were both feeling in their heads died down, Remus spoke again.

“As much as I’d love to stay up here forever,” he admitted, “James and Peter will probably come looking for us at some point, and I’m still not sure I’m ready for them to find out I’m gay when they come up here and see us kissing on your bed, so perhaps we should go down there and hang out with those 7th years instead.” He said

“Are you sure you want to?” Sirius asked with a hint of worry in his voice. He knew Remus wasn’t the fondest of large social gatherings.

“Yes, I’m positive.”

“Well then, If you insist, my lord.” Sirius joked, standing up from the bed and kneeling down in front of Remus, taking his hand and kissing it, making Remus’ face turn a shade of red.

Remus stood up, pulling Sirius off the ground and interlocking eyes one more time before Sirius leaned over and kissed Remus’ cheek. 

“Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :') guys somebody get me a relationship like this :') anyways I hope you enjoyed that. The next chapter will probably be these two dorks going down and playing truth or dare with their friends, and we all know things always go down with truth or dare, so definitely stay tuned for that. Not to give myself unrealistic time frames or anything but it'll probably be out tomorrow because I have nothing better to do. I appreciate all the kudos I've gotten so far !! If anyone wants to comment and let me know what they're thinking so far I'd love to hear it !! Comments make my whole day so if you write a nice one I might cry :') thank you all for reading these long ass notes, I appreciate you all. Have a nice day and be safe during this quarantine. Bye !! 💜💚💗💘💗💚💗💙💕💘💗💚

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiiii  
> I hope you enjoyed that :')  
> I have a lot of time on my hands bc of this whole Coronavirus, so chances are I'd be able to write more of these if anyone is interested. I'm thinking maybe the next chapter can be coming out to James and Peter ?? And then after that who knows ??? I wanted to write more in this chapter but I really just wanted to get something out there. Also if you enjoyed this maybe leave a comment because I am a metaphorical dying woman who's oxygen tank is full of AO3 comments so yeah if you're feeling up to it I'd love to hear from you :') ily all sm, I hope you're all doing well. Thx 4 reading <3


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